Scientific Insights into Family Dynamics When NRIs Return to India
Dr. Kalia, a physician with 40+ years in the US, uses neuroscience and primatology to explain why family conflicts arise when NRIs return to India. Learn about dominance hierarchies, the science behind mother-in-law dynamics, and how to prepare your family for a successful return.
In this story
Dr. Kalia, a physician with 40+ years in the US, uses neuroscience and primatology to explain why family conflicts arise and how NRIs can prepare for a successful return to India.
Key Takeaways
- Family conflicts are biological—we inherited hierarchical behavior from primates
- Mother-in-law dynamics are about dominance and personal space, not personality
- Western habits can shock traditional families—discuss everything beforehand
- Living nearby vs. same household may be the solution for many families
- Chronic family conflict causes real health damage—high BP, diabetes risk
Dr. Kalia's Background
Dr. Kalia brings a unique perspective shaped by his journey from a small Punjab town to becoming a physician in the United States.
Early Life
- Birthplace: Phillaur, a small town in Punjab
- Father's profession: Worked for RAW (Research and Analysis Wing—Indian CIA)
- Bhutan years: Lived in Bhutan 1976-1980 (father posted at Indian Embassy)
- Education: 11th and 12th grade in Phillaur
- Move to US: Age 19, in 1983
US Education & Career
- Bachelor's: Chemistry from Purdue University, Indiana
- Medical School: Indiana University
- Specialization: Internal Medicine, Indiana University
- Affiliation: Indiana University hospitals since 1992
- Current status: Federal employee (US government)
His Perspective on India and US
Journey into Neuroscience
Dr. Kalia's interest in neuroscience came from unexpected and disturbing experiences during his medical training.
The Forensic Pathology Rotation
During medical school, Dr. Kalia did a rotation in forensic pathology—determining causes of death:
- Natural causes: Normal funeral proceedings
- Homicide: Someone needs to be prosecuted
- Suicide: Understanding why people take their lives
- Fourth category: What he didn't anticipate...
⚠️ The Disturbing Discovery
In the late 1980s-90s, Dr. Kalia encountered something that shaped his career:
- Elderly or disabled people who died alone
- Nobody checking on them daily
- Bodies decomposing for weeks or months
- When Caucasian bodies decompose, they turn pitch black
- White spots on the body—not rice, but maggots
The Brain Moment
Opening the skull of a decomposed body:
- Brain fell into his hand as gray jello
- Not the normal brain pictures we're used to
- Made him question: "Is this what life is all about in the end?"
- This sparked his deep interest in neuroscience
The Phenomenon
Dr. Kalia discovered this happens worldwide:
- More common in Western/developed countries
- Also happens in big cities in India
- Happens in Japan, Korea, Europe
- Western societies are 100-200 years ahead in this phenomenon
The Science Behind Family Conflicts
Dr. Kalia references the work of Stanford neuroscientist Robert Sapolsky to explain human family dynamics. Understanding this science can help NRIs prepare for family adjustment challenges when returning.
The Baboon Studies
Sapolsky studied baboons in Kenya's national reserves because:
- Baboons are most representative of humans (Homo sapiens)
- Studied in natural environment, not zoos
- Zoo behavior is modified—not authentic
The Hierarchy Discovery
Key finding: Even alpha-minus-14 is willing to fight alpha-minus-15, 16, 17 just to keep his rank.
Application to Humans
- Humans in natural environments also have hierarchical ranks
- Whole society is structured with these ranks
- We do not want to lose our rank
- This applies directly to family dynamics
Family Hierarchy Dynamics
Understanding how hierarchy plays out in Indian families.
Established Family Ranks
- Dad: Has his rank and responsibilities
- Mom: Has her rank (often controls kitchen domain)
- Children: Have their ranks based on age, gender
- In a functional, loving family, this continues for decades
⚠️ The Problem: New Family Members
Something strange happens when a stranger enters the family:
- A son-in-law or daughter-in-law joins
- They must navigate where they fit in the hierarchy
- Nobody wants to be lowest on the rung
- New person has aspirations to improve their rank
- Existing members want to maintain their rank
Mother-in-Law Conflicts Explained
Dr. Kalia provides a scientific explanation for one of the most common family conflicts.
The Kitchen Domain
- Mother-in-law typically controls the kitchen
- She has her way: "Chakla and belan on the right side of the cooking range"
- Daughter-in-law might put them on the left side
- These small things create friction
The "Private Space" Concept
Dr. Kalia uses a beach analogy:
In families, people are crowding each other's space, and animals (including humans) want to establish dominance over their space.
The Dowry Connection
Dr. Kalia connects this to the dowry phenomenon:
- Partly about economic resources
- Partly about dominance
- "You should have given us this much and you didn't"
- Creates ill will from the start
What He Observed as a Doctor
Serving 4,000+ Indian families in Central Indiana:
- Families would come for medical help
- Mother-in-law would say: "I'm depressed"
- Daughter-in-law would also say: "I'm depressed"
- Reality: "They basically hate each other's guts"
- Both expected a pill to fix it—but no such pill exists
Western Habits and Traditional Families
When NRIs return with Western habits, it can create significant friction with traditional families.
Freedom in the West
Dr. Kalia references a video of a woman from San Francisco:
- Could get up in the middle of the night, hire an Uber, go anywhere
- Could lay on a beach, do anything—nobody stopping her
- Full freedom, but with it comes full responsibility
- No help for anything—if sick, no one to care for you
⚠️ The Culture Shock Examples
Other examples:
- Alcohol consumption: Many Western women drink—not accepted in traditional families
- Clothing choices: Western attire may shock conservative relatives
- Independence: Used to making decisions without consulting family
The NRI Moms Facebook Group
Dr. Kalia discovered a Facebook group called "NRI Moms":
- Huge amount of conflict about drinking alcohol or not
- Conflicts already present while in the US
- Taking these conflicts to an Indian household = "recipe for disaster"
- Old embers can explode when returning
Benefits of Extended Families
Dr. Kalia explains what NRIs often overlook about extended families.
✅ The Hidden Benefits
- Economic safety net: If one person loses income, family won't throw them out
- Child care support: Help with raising children
- Elder care: Someone to look after aging parents
- Emotional support: Not dying alone and undiscovered
Historical Context
Extended families were designed by necessity:
- 200-400 years ago, most people died within 7 miles of birthplace
- No airplanes, trains, automobiles
- Land was divided between brothers—all lived nearby
- In loving families, nobody would let family members die alone
What Young People Focus On
The problem:
- Young people focus on kitchen conflicts and family room conflicts
- Benefits of extended family come further down the road
- Brain cannot focus on multiple problems at once
- Day-to-day conflict is in immediate focus
Advice for NRIs
Dr. Kalia provides practical advice for families planning to return to India.
✅ The Key: Complete Honesty
Example: If alcohol is important to you:
- Tell your husband: "I'm not going to stop drinking just because we're in UP or Kolkata"
- Ask in-laws: "Is that going to be acceptable?"
- If not acceptable, don't live in the same household—live nearby
Don't Surprise People
- If something bothers you, say it beforehand
- Don't wait until you're in the situation
- Some families might decide: "This is never going to work for us in India"
- That's okay—better to know before moving
The Premarital Counseling Idea
Dr. Kalia's vision:
- 3-6 month course of premarital counseling
- Young people should understand what challenges come
- Whole family should be involved—both sides
- Learn about these dynamics before marriage
- Leads to happier, harmonious life
The Health Impact
Living in hostile environments affects health:
- Sympathetic nervous system constantly activated
- Blood pressure stays high
- Stress eating leads to weight gain
- Cholesterol goes up
- Increased risk of diabetes, heart disease, strokes
The Singapore Conversation
Dr. Kalia spoke with a gentleman from Singapore:
- Got stuck in India during COVID with extended family
- Six people in a small confined space
- So much hostility, he said: "Good thing we don't have guns in India"
- Otherwise there could have been "mass shooting in our family"
Key Takeaways
Summary of Dr. Kalia's Insights
- Hierarchy is biological—we inherited it from primates
- Family conflicts are about dominance and space
- Extended families have benefits often overlooked
- Western habits can shock traditional families
- Honesty is critical—discuss everything beforehand
- Living nearby may be better than same household
- Chronic conflict damages health significantly
Preparing for Family Dynamics After Your Return?
Connect with others who've navigated these challenges. Get practical advice from families who've successfully managed the transition.
Learn from those who've successfully navigated family dynamics.
