Watch: The Real Reason Kids Struggle When You Move Countries — And How to Help Them Thrive

3:00 So, how are they affected because of you know loss of familiarity, loss of you know culture, loss of change in the

3:13 School, everything is new to the kids now. Right? And psychologically if the parent is not handling these emotions well psychologically they are like you know sad feeling depressed they don't know how to express their big emotions and all that piled up together we might see psychological impact on the child got it so how can parents lead this change right in addition to managing so many other things and its important one for them to put specific focus how can they lead this change see when ever there is a change like you know even for us India is home right even you know growing up in our own country when we are moving from US to India we are also having our own you no second thoughts how will we cope up how are things going to be so

4:14 Knowing the culture we are you no struggling to handle the change. So imagine children who are not aware of entire India. They might have gone for vacations. But the mind set when you are visiting a place on a vacation versus when you are living in a place is going to be very different. Right? So, ah, the basic three things that I'd suggest parents handle is have appropriate conversations while you're packing. Not After You Reach. Yes. Right? So tell them what they can expect and what they ca n't expect. Give the assurance that they are going to be there. And closure for many children is very different even for adults. So have a routine that they are going to meet their friends in the US before they leave they have a you know ah familiarity they have some routine to get closer and carry one ritual that you are doing here

5:17 So suppose if you are a family who visits the library frequently carry that when you are going back home or if you are a family who is going to parks or hikes or something that you have been doing in the US so just because you re located to India don't stop that abruptly. So try to continue as much as possible to keep the familiarity going in a new place. And thirdly, involve your children again depending on their temperament, age and maturity level, sensitivity and all that involved. Accordingly, involve them in your decision making as much as possible. Suppose, if you are looking for a rental home in, suppose you are moving

6:01 To Bangalore and you are looking for a rental home and you have three to four options, right? So, discuss the three or four options with the family, involve the kids, show them the community pictures and see their input. C, I am not saying you have to solemnly let them decide but involve them in the process of decision making. So they feel empowered and they look forward to the move. Or. Perfectly Makes Sense. So let's continue on the same conversation. Ah you know as you said like it's something that you need to involve them like well ahead while you know you are still in abroad and then thinking about moving to India. So, are there like some timelines, hey, when should you start having this conversation because this planning and this thing does take some time. Even when you haven't decided it, you want to involve them. Like, maybe you can talk through some timeline depending on the age.

7:04 You Know Planning and Making the Move Like You Know Planning Ahead It is a their own decision of moving right? So the minute you kind of understand in an year about an year we're making the move start the conversation. So talk about how your stories from your childhood, how India was, how schools were. But don't threaten them. Like you know with your stories. Like you know because we also come with a different experience of going to this school. Don't talk about like you know I used to walk for 10 km. To reach this pole or something like that. But talk about the positives and talk about the exciting factors about India. Like you know I used to talk about like you know hey guys ah like you know when we move to India you guys can go play outside every single day.

7:51 Because I moved with young kids. Like you know my son was nine and the younger one was 3 and a half when I made the move from the US to India. So we always talk about like you know how we can go out. How They Can Play Every Day. There are no weather challenges. Ah like you know or they don't have to wait until mommy gets work done and then we go out. We have support systems. So I used to talk a lot about those things. Like you know how grandparents would visit frequently. How we would go to cousins' house where ah and as a parent I had a very ah stringent rule on no sleepovers. So, they new that they didn't have sleepovers. So I you you you do to talk about like you know how they can have a sleepover at my sister's place with the cousins. So, those are the things that I created excitement in them.

8:43 And second talk about languages ​​because when you are moving with little older children and even younger till school age kids so bring in the language friends like get them introduced to Hindi or the regional language if you are moving to Bangalore Karnataka Kannada if you are moving to Hyderabad get them to know basic understanding of Telugu so get one on one with two or read books to children get the language awareness or write and talk about cultural differences because we grow up there. We Kind of Have an Idea What the Cultural Differences Are and We Can Start Talking to Our Children About It. And let's take another scenario where the parents are not planning to move but due to other constraints we are moving. So, be open, be honest and talk to your children about the move. And Explain Why We Are Moving. C, If the Child Is Older Than 10, You Can Always Talk About the

9:43 Weez. Why it is a you no different from one V category to the other visa category. Be honest. Yeah. And we also don't know how life is going to unfold. When we're just packing our bags and moving when our minds are not well prepared yet, right? So keep that anxiety with you but give the clarity to children as much as possible because when they are

10:11 Moving they usually are not resisting the change it is the lack of familiarity and losing the safety that they are resisting. So, if we can be on their team. And observing what they're going through Understanding what they're going through and seeing clearly what they're going through They will be able to manage the move a little easily Got it I know as the kids get older it's going to be much harder Right I mean because they already have some social circle They have you know no more familiarity with one culture over the other Is there anything specific insights that you can provide Especially if you're moving with kids when they're in high school and a little bit older How do you navigate them because it's a bit more challenging for them to adjust compared to like a younger kid So anything that you can share from that side Yes see it is two different cultural worlds to different education worlds to different

11:13 Accent worlds You know kids who are a little older are used to the US education system Right the culture of the schools and the approach by the Teachers, The Environment at the Schools Etcetera. So when they move to a new place it is definitely going to be harder but it is not definitely impossible right? So, ah they'll be going through silence stress. So, many children might express what they are feeling and most of the children go through silence stress. And how do we see the silent dress irritability eager there's a complaint of you know stomachaches ah academic grades go down right so these are the signs that we need to be ah aware of the child going through the change and the stress.

12:07 So how do we react is don't react. Just Be There for the Child? You know respond to the child ensure that you are seeing them you are you know most of the time for us human beings a validation of what we are going through also means a lot to us so when we tell children like you when I moved with a high school like you know from bored to balles he went through a lot right so I would I would just tell him we I understand I am also feeling something similar I am I am also going through the change. You are also going through the change. Let's think about what we can do and sometimes I would just take him out for some fun and like you know we would just play together and when we are playing he would just like you know I am not a video game person myself. And I don't even understand how that world works, but I had to push myself into his game and

13:08 Like, you know, he used to play a video game and I used to learn that talk to him, he got into his world and he would just share, like, you know, [ __ ] of what's happening at school, and then I would be, like, you know, just absorbing what's happening, and at that moment, I hadn't, so ah, parents, at that moment, when your child is sharing, be open-minded to the positives and the negatives. Every place comes with its own pros and cons and c for us India is home understand that for children India is not home. So they might have their negative impressions. They might be expressing. So as much as you enjoy talking to them about their positives, accept and absorb the negatives as well for them. So, overall like you no let the child feel that they are heard.

14:04 Or Got It. Along the same lines like I think one is from a parenting side like you know you're having the conversation. Is there anything from your perspective like kind of creating an environment or providing some other additional mechanisms where they can feel where they understand it. Not only from a parent but from family, friends or they have an exposure. Anything that you can share that definitely helps them get more comfortable not only just coming from my parents. So yes Abhinav CV so when you are in one place for a long time you have a social network. So kids have friends who chill like you know there are, there's a lot of socializing and networking happening over the weekends. So when you go to the new place that suddenly stops. Right? So if you know any of your. C, These Days Finding Out Who You Know in One Place Isn't Pretty Challenging Like How It Was Two Decades Ago.

15:00 Right? So, even before you make the move, try to find out like you know, if you have any cousins ​​nearby, distant cousins, close cousins, if you have your college friends nearby. Have them come over to your place and let the children meet their ah children. Have some familiarity going on. And like, you know , see it's us who is making them more. So we need to put the effort to make that social circle. Right? So bring that and have your parents and your in-laws on board with the change. ah like so if you have a good relationship. Have them come over when you move to India. Or you move to your hometown first. Get that first few weeks of settling down and then move to where your workplace is. Right? So that way there is some connection. Slowly you are bringing them to a new place.

15:51 Got it. And then why do some children grow faster than others? Like What Is the You Know Reason and Anything That Parents Can Think About When They're Considering This as a Decision in the Big Picture. Yes see again every child, every human being is different, right? So are ah personality are ah you nopability are flexibility and overall are emotional intelligence right? So when that is higher you are very flexible, you are adaptable and you move quickly. But having said that like you, no certain things are personality, but certain things are say we can always, like as parents we can always give them the right tools and strategies to easily adapt.

16:37 So, ah when we see children who are very rigid right? So, suppose you know they are playing with Legos and transitioning from one activity to another feels

16:51 Difficult for a child naturally, so this change is going to affect them a lot. So when you know your child their temperaments their sensitivities their understanding being flexible or not not being flexible then accordingly you need to have your game plan yes got it and then along the same lines I know there is no hard and fast rule but this is like an important thing on lot of parents because you know it is not familiar to the culture like how the kids would approach right? I think that's a big question on a lot of parents while finalizing the decision. Is there an age I know it varies from kid to kid as we just talked about in general like what would be a good time for you know parents with kids to move to India to relocate to another country any general you know ideas and principles like again it varies but in general I think when they are thinking about it he

17:53 You know if they have the flexibility see it really really ah varies but one thing that I would suggest is as young as they are it is better and they are really you know grown ups so it is easier because see when their kids they don't know anything that's happening they are very very young so they will adopt very easily and at the middle age right like you know four to 12 it is easier but the younger children don't have their CEO brain like you know the prefrontal cortex is not formed yet. So the parents became the regulators during that time. If parents are reacting parents are not able to understand then it becomes a

18:44 Challenge. Got it. Right ? I strongly feel that younger is better or if for any reason. Like you know if you're moving with older children have a you know game plan change management in place having your child as part of this whole move and transition got it so let's switch it up guess a little bit and then kind of look at from a school selection I know curriculum is a big topic and then they can kind of go with different curriculums I think ah I want to keep the curriculum aside a little bit and then let's say like I think what should parents look at I mean beyond academics beyond other things like when they are selecting a school see let's talk about the boards later as what you are saying right so when you are talking you know looking at school see here in the US children are not used to commute for a long time from home to school

19:44 Or right were as in India that is not the situation like you know the traffic conditions are not that great. So understand that it itself is very stressful for the child. So pick a school that is closer and if you are very particular about one particular school move closure to that particular school. Or right? The commute is very different and to the culture of the school. Are the teachers open? Are the teachers able to pay one-on-one attention to the child? Give the required emotional support. Because the child is going through a major change. Is the school approachable to the parents? Are you able to talk to the counselor easily? So, how many kids have they handled who relocated from one country to another ? How are they going to help with the language part that is mandatory at school.

20:43 And I would say every school is good in their own way. We Need to Find the Perfect Fit for Our Parenting Styles, Our You Know Priorities, Our Nervous Systems and How We Are Dealing with Our Children. Ok. Is There a Way Like May Be You Can Take a Couple of Examples and See How Our Parents Can Match a Kid's Personality and a Child's Personality with the Right School. Like you know just taking an example. Has Someone Who Enjoys Like Learning This Way and This Kind of Personality How That Would Appt. Ok. See if again a lot of the school decision goes on why you are moving back to India. Right? C Let's be very clear we have two different sets in India, right? Like when we talk about boats, the Indian boats and the international boats. And there is also the State Board which comes under ah Indian boats. C, ah ah there is we can actually argue for and against this. But what

21:45 My experience is as an educator and an entrepreneur, ah running my own education consulting company in Bangalore, what I understand is if the child is you know keen on continuing undergrad in India, I would actually suggest to go for an Indian board. ok? Because most of the Indian university entrances like let's take NEET, JEE, CLAT and many of these private ah engineering college entrances more predominantly it's NCERT which is CBSE. Ok? And the second part if the child is looking ah like you no have any plans of coming back to the ah us for undergrad.

22:33 IBPS and IGCSE would be a good option but at the same time it does not mean that if you take CBSE or ICSE the doors are closed. I know a bunch of kids who finished CBSE till 12th and made it to good universities back in the US. But I don't have that kind of success stories who did IB and IGCSE and got into Indian universities. Got it. Ok. So that is one ah thing because when you are moving any change is not easy. Right? So when you are moving a child to an international school. Like which is ah the approach or the culture is very close to what they have seen in the US.

23:20 Right? And later in eighth or ninth. You realize that oh my goodness. I don't want to send my children abroad for under graduation for any reason. It becomes challenging for them to adapt to an Indian board at that point of time. Or rather when you are moving from India to the US to India pick a board that works for you keeping the future ah study plans career alignments career options in align to the board. Ok? So, that is one. And when it comes to the personality of children, so, ah it's very very difficult but like you know, if you have a thinker and like you know a practical oriented child. I will be is something that you can ah consider. Ah but again, international schools come with ah a lot of you know, their own pros and ah cons. See One suggestion that I would give all parents is when you talk

24:22 To your friends, it is what worked for them. Ok. Need not work for you. Be very very diligent on doing your understanding of the boards. Go in depth with each board that is available. State Board CBSE, ICSE, IB, IGCSE, NIOS and your so ten

24:45 Days like you know world of is there in Hyderabad and Bangalore. They're pretty doing pretty well. There are good number of alternative schools that have come up in India right now. So, whatever you are picking, pick the one that fits your child. C For me personally a good school is something that protects the child's confidence. Or I think that's a variant one or cool I think it may be like after the move like how can parents help kids adapt in the new environment easily like anything I know we talk about the things that they should think about before the move and like you know the selections and all the stuff what about after the move what are the things that they should be focusing on things that they need to do sir if see what children are experiencing differently from US to India is majorly the accent sensitivity

25:46 And the cultural comparisons and three a child might feel different but most of it can be managed by picking the right school where the teachers are emotionally connected to children and picking up a good society to live yah right right? And C Avinash most of the children are very very resilient they adapt quickly when there is the right set of environment once they make good friends they have they are having fun time going down stairs to the park and running around cycling around in the societies they are fine but when it comes to school there might be a challenge right so there what helped me was I was only parenting. I was taking my parenting job and being a mother. I Did Not Become a Tutor for My Children. So I hired one on one tutors.

26:46 Let them handle all the crap that they have to go through like you know the language the math and the sciences the writing part and everything and I gave them the strength and emotional support at home and I and even if there were any academic challenges I routed it through the toughers okay got it and then like I think from your conversations with a lot of family who went through this transition and the kids is there any patterns that you see that makes this transition successful and not successful you know things that they need to avoid and things that they need to incorporate you know intentionally in these transitions see yes there are success stories like you know like I am a success story in myself like you know when I moved to Bangalore it was like you know a dream count kind of a life but there are like I have a very Close friend who moved before me to Hyderabad and when I moved to Bangalore she returned

27:47 Back as well right so it again depends on a lot of things first the family dynamics play a huge role in settling down if you have a good relationship with your parents and insofar everything goes really well with your siblings everything goes really well right ? So when you are happy when you are working children absorb your work children absorb your energy and they adapt quickly right and second I would say there will be challenges be open to that and when you are going through a challenge don't pass on that negativity to the child right like it could be traffic it could be managing family it could be like you not overwhelming with too many support to too many people at home like you know your meds your coworkers your drivers your support staff right so it can be overwhelming at times so don't pass on that to your children so keep it to yourself handle it

28:49 Carefully and let them handle their emotions and you be the anchor for there got it cool is there anything that we have touch I mean that you want to bring up I think touch pretty much everything or I'm sure there is it's still a was subject right I mean we have the high level overview like on the Things that we want to cover ah again I think you know we can do a follow up session based on some other questions that we might get as a feedback you know from this conversation but I really really one last suggestion that I would give parents like you know build on the routine build on that emotional safety give them choices and be patient yourself or right that will help them move a little easier I am not saying it is going to be very easy there will be challenges because I just moved

29:49 Last year back to US and we are still getting used to this life and like we still miss home a part of us still in Bangalore right so a lot of things will be there there but always remember to count your blessings. Remember all the fun things that are happening in the family. That's Happening Around and Things Like That. And ah what I have seen mostly is those who did not a you know make ah the move was not actually a deliberate move. There were kind of like you know for whatever reasons like you know could baby we are immigration and family ah issues. So, they moved, they struggled a little more. Because that wasn't the choice made by them, right? For those who moved intentionally, for them it is a bit easier because the choice was made by them. And ah so suppose if you have a green card and you're a US citizen, the thought of like, you know, I can always go back.

30:48 Giveaways That Freedom to Settle Down Easily. Or. So on the same lines I think because of different reasons I think there might be a situation where a family might have to move not deliberately for different reasons. How should they be prepared and how should they make the kids prepare not like once they know right before hand it's just because it's just a temporary it's uncertainty that's in hindi that's going on. Like How They Should Think About It. And how they should plan just so that kids and everyone is prepared for this move if it's required. See Have Open Conversations. Let children be aware of what is happening and what might happen. See Always Bring in the Circle of Influence. Right?

31:37 So what is in our control, what is not in our control. So, which is the biggest life lesson that we can pass on to our children? Right? So, don't be very rigid. Accept what is not under your control. Right? And work toward that mind set. Like when I moved, I always felt I am sharing it very honestly and openly like when I moved, I always felt oh my goodness. I built ah my career. I built my a you know social circle. I Built My Business Network for 10 Years. And suddenly, I am starting from scratch again. But one small attitude and mindset change that I gave to myself of course after a lot of struggle and all that emotional turmoil is that I am not starting from scratch, I am starting with a decade of experience.

32:32 Or that's good. Yeah. I just like it. Wherever I Reached. I might have taken 10 years. Now I might take only one year to reach where I reached for 10 years because I am coming with experience so that really helped me or no thanks for sharing that so or thanks a lot Miss Gayatri for taking the time and sharing your insights on parenting on how they can help kids go through this transition so really appreciate thank you so much Avinash hope it really helps others who are going through the change or absolutely thank you